Why Your Sex Life Sucks

When my wife and I got engaged, people said "There's no sex after marriage", which concerned me quite a bit since we weren't having sex before marriage, so if there wasn't going to be any after marriage then we were really in trouble. After a couple of years, when we got pregnant with our daughter people said "There's no sex after you have kids", which also concerned us because we were thus far enjoying a very lucrative sex life. Then after 3 or 4 years of being married people said "The 7 year itch has turned into the 5 year itch, expect your sex life to decrease greatly", which sucks because, well we had no way to refute these claims except to wait and see, and of course try to do it like bunnies, you know, stocking up for the winter(?).

Well, we've been married for 5 years, have two beautiful children, and I'll be honest with you, our sex life is (almost) better now then it has ever been. I tag on that "almost" because we are so busy right now with me finishing up school, working full time, my wife taking ballet classes 2 to 3 times a week, and with the kids, that we're often quite exhausted by the time we climb into bed. But even with that exhaustion, we still enjoy a very healthy and vigorous sex life, the likes of which are apparently unheard of within my wife's circle of friends.

I refer to the circle of friends my wife goes walking with at the mall with, several other young mothers in situations similar to ours (working husband, stay at home or part time working mom, children). Apparently the number of times that we have sex and the level of enjoyment that we get out of it seem to far surpass the other young couples that we know. And while they try to use excuses ("you didn't do it before you got married, so once you've actually been doing it as long as we have you won't want it anymore" is a popular one), I think that I have found at least one probable cause for the decline in sex after marriage, children, and years of living together, and I'm not placing blame where you might expect me to. That's right fella's, I'm looking at you.

So you get married, you get comfortable, you put on some weight, and the sex declines. Maybe your wife puts on some weight too, my poor wife did after we got married and she started eating like her pig of a husband. That just means that not only does she think that you're fat, but she doesn't feel beautiful anymore and really doesn't want to do it.

Then your wife gets pregnant and (in most cases) you put on some pregnancy weight of your own, and...that's right, your sex life declines. Can you blame your wife for not wanting your big fat self climbing all over her big pregnant self? I wouldn't blame her one bit.

Then you've been married for 5 or 6 years, and with the kids, the job, those summer BBQ's, and good ol' home cooking, again (statistics show) you put on some more weight, and sex declines.

Now I hate to ask an uncomfortable question here, but look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself "if I were a girl (or a gay guy), would I want to have sex with me?". Now I'm not passing judgment here, only asking you to pass it on yourself, but my guess is that an honest answer will be a resounding "hell no". Your wife may be too nice to admit it to you, or perhaps she's too sweet to even realize why she would rather roll over and go to sleep then try to wrestle with you and the two other people that you ate. Either way, I have a little experiment that will help you determine if your weight is (at least part of) the reason that your sex life has slowed down.

The first part of my experiment is this, get on a diet that you can stick with to get and keep the weight off. I strongly suggest Weight Watchers, but there are some other very effective ones out there (Slim For Life is supposed to be very good as well). One nice thing about Weight Watchers is that you don't have to go to the meetings, you can join online for around $12d a month and use their eTools to track your weight loss and points usage. Whatever diet you choose, try to find one that doesn't make you feel like you're dieting. You know, that deprived feeling like you're always missing out on something.

So with the weight coming off, now we are going to up the anti a little bit with the second part of my experiment by putting on some muscle. Go walking or jogging (getting a running buddy really helps), get some hand weights from Wal-Mart and lift those two or three times a week, get a gym membership and actually go regularly.

Finally, with the weight coming off and at least a little muscle hopefully going on, now it's time to see if our experiment was successful. If your wife starts wanting to have sex with you more, then I think we can say with some level of totally unscientific certainty that you being fat was the reason that your sex life sucked.

All I'm going to say is that my wife thought I was hot before I dropped 40 pounds and started working out for a mere 30 minutes three times a week, but now she literally can't keep her hands off of me and I practically have to threaten to go sleep on the couch if she doesn't let me get some rest at night. It's pretty much awesome! I'd strongly suggest following through with my above outlined experiment, it could end up being a good thing for you, and your wife might appreciate it too.